a boy and his brother

 

searching

"Everyone stumbles into my awe.  Not one is trying."

Imagine being at a place that is profound.  You're here.  Now imagine being unable to convince another that this place is profound.

________________________________________________

a fallow undisturbed is aware of its value

positive negative or zero

a fallow undisturbed is aware of its "value"

capacity to bear fruit

a fallow undisturbed is aware

knowledge of potential disturbances

a fallow undisturbed is "aware"

potentially disturbed

a fallow undisturbed

Tumblr posts #1-#8

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148314622526/hello-im-inaugurating-this-tumblr-by

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148315040663/last-night-i-stumbled-into-watching-deniz-gamze

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148322191148/the-end-of-an-episode-of-bojack-horseman-feels

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148334400443/my-childish-unhealthy-joyous-obsession-with-the

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148411543348/how-silicon-valley-helps-spread-the-same-sterile

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148514340018/perhaps-my-favorite-movie-director-is-jean-luc 

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/148554523073/antonionis-movies-give-me-a-particular-sense-of

https://effectivelyclueless.tumblr.com/post/149617150878/if-used-correctly-surrealism-can-entertain-an

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June: in review

I recently resurrected my old blog, savage desire.  My post was about the movies I had watched in June (until that point).  I have watched 17 movies and will likely watch a couple more before the month ends.  

I came here to write that The Intern, of these 17, is the best movie I saw.  I don't know if that's true, but the sheer impossibility of it crossing my mind is profound in itself.  

I suppose I should lay out the contenders for MONTH'S BEST:

Hot Pursuit - (not a contender) I watched this engulfed in self-hatred for being able to endure.

Her - (not a contender)

Chef - (not a contender)

Amélie - It shows its audience a beautiful human being.  

Synecdoche, New York - I cannot speak well of this movie's brilliance.  I can only say that it masters a certain tonal aesthetic.  Though, being my fourth viewing, the sparkle was not nearly as present.

Enemy - My favorite of Denis Villeneuve's.  I didn't enjoy a movie more this month.

on the page

when reading novels I mainly consider two things when deciding whether I should continue:

the quality of writing (loosely coincides with an objective judgement, it is an intuitive, aesthetic evaluation)

the substance

some books i've been reading recently:

a storm of swords - george rr martin

full access to substance because the quality of writing maintains consistency, and does not overextend into literary dimension

lonesome dove - larry mcmurtry

in many respects, very similar to point on martin.  I adore certain aspects of this setting, but want concentration; perhaps a smaller scope...

standard western tropes are uninteresting to me

the elementary particles - michel houellebecq

i am grateful I found this author, though I'm unsure I'll continue reading him.  His prose, translated, has proper directness and seems more profound than martin and mcmurtry.  His societal standing as "pop-literary" is unsurprising.  His use of explicit scientific explanation is very effective; however, his consistent descriptions of the sexual exploits of certain characters becomes depressingly mundane

not that kind of girl - lena dunham

I stopped reading this after 30 pages.  Not at all difficult to read; unsurprising content considering her tv show.  substance-wise entirely unrewarding

the power of the dog - don winslow

I stopped after several pages.  reading < Art thinks,"..." > is like getting poked in the eye

the moviegoer - walker percy

I put this on my toilet; the first few pages are absolute excellence

go tell it on the mountain - james baldwin

the best book here, by several lengths.  wonderful prose combined with a genuine, human exploration

A Shift

The next period of my life has great potential to be the most influential in determining my end outcome.

Potential choices seem unlimited, but outcomes seem determined.  I want to opt for the extremes, but without concentrated deliberation--a consistent methodology of reference--each choice is anguished.

Ongoing:  Lemonade is an amazing experience; thank you Bey!

Full engagement is at max availability during a state of environmental constancy--when there is a single unavoidable occupying force that dominates the present.  I am a college student, so the basic example of this is an assignment that is perceived to be important; failure of completion will have an impactful consequence.

This is how I live meaningfully.  I place myself in moments of situational consequence, then bastardize their contextual importances, experiencing enjoyment.

The challenge is to impose a subjective notion of importance into my life, removing reliance of "on paper" evaluations of my actions--making my actions independent in at least one, specific sense.

Ongoing:  continued confirmation of Bey's instantial brilliance

Here is where I place my concluding remarks, an attempt to provide conclusive evidence of this written exercise's positive value.  There are people everywhere, searching for affirmation of their pursuits or potential pursuits or both.  Give it to them; encourage, embolden, and enact.

the constitution of a great movie

my recent struggle has been articulating the difference between an enjoyable movie and a great one.  i don't have trouble identifying a great film, since it is highly correlated with my emotional response to it; the problem comes when i try to translate feeling into language.

in terms of the movies i watched in the past month, there are three great movies.  

Early Summer
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The 25th Hour

A Profile of a Deficient Thinker

the main object of my pursuit is a paper.  this is not any paper; according to my professor, this is one where i will do philosophy--at least that is a requirement if i want to be successful.  on a whim i semi-committed to a topic, paul feyerabend, the architect of epistemological anarchism.  i doubt i've ever come up with an original idea in the philosophical or scientific disciplines.  the evaluative strength i have lies in the realm of aesthetics.

so i will flounder about in the academic realm, trying to create a thing, unlike ever before

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

My principle conflict in writing is the same as everyone else: how to explain my experience to others?

This film, for a variety of reasons, was both much anticipated and completely forgotten.  It has been a unmoving figure in my Netflix queue for great periods, another of the many that are almost adequate enough to begin.  

My aesthetic taste has been greatly affected by my recent trip to Asia; this is an exemplary example of this shift, though I am sure I would've loved this regardless of context.

This film combines concepts in a wonderful way.  It is a story of great humans.

Updates

I am somewhat consistently updating my canon.  

This includes changing contents, graphics, or even the nature of the canon itself.

I earnestly try to make these accurate.

as the end approaches

i am here.  that, if i know anything, is true.  
but soon i will not be here.  i will leave the comfortable fetterance of collegiate life--to where?--i do not know.  To get a foothold, perhaps.  To lay down the first brick, moving toward a definite thing.  

there are some here who i struggle to leave behind.  but i will.  i must pursue growth, the greater; those here could be agents, but they are not neccessarily...

In less than two days, I will have completed something, what--I am not sure.  It is supposed to culminative, but for me, nothing ever is.  There is always a little--or as it seems according to me--a lot more to give, to create, to be.

It may be poor, but it will be mine.  I will force it to descend from my essentiality.  I will read.  I will watch.  I will write.  I will love.  I will fear.  I will die.

Why I Read

Amidst a desperate search for an affirming successor to Ozu's Early Summer, which was an incorrupt beauty, I stumbled upon a reddit thread asking "why do you read?"  

I have an answer.

I read for enjoyment; allow me to elaborate.

Plot and Adaptation

Items of cultural consumption are measured by both artistic and entertainment value.  Plot drives an item's entertainment value, while style drives an item's artistic value.

previously titled "a poem"

my artificial taste
my partial absorption of many many things

it no longer holds virtue
it simply holds

spring awakens spirit
those who identify, those who feel and see it
are those who have; the others, they are have-not

i am a man by birth, a man by aesthetic choice, 
a man

others are there, or are not, being out

Who among us has known of identity?  Who has felt the steely coals of sinking loins?
Which of our young boys may chance to?

untitled

a man passed through

speaking to some, offering a hand to all

it was translucent, but nevertheless darkly-toned

his palm closed and then opened again

leaving glimpses of the middle mark

it was a rich purple, slightly yellow along its edge

the color seemed to differ each time he came

the last time green 

and before that--white

the first day it had been white

no one knew why he came that day

it was near dusk

a street engulfed by the setting sun

men, women, and children moved toward unknown destinations, faces blinded or necks roasted

maybe he knew where they were going, I don't know

he stood, stationary amongst the swirling crowds

he lifted his hands, touching the sky

he raised his voice, bellowing words into the sky

> the time is nigh, the time is nigh

he said that several more times, then lowered his hands 

then he spoke again, words I did not understand

the swirl slowed

the men, women, and children looked at him

a shadow cast by a nearby well crept toward him 

he lifted his left hand, extending it toward the well

it continued, faster now

he lowered his hand as the darkness covered him

the swirl began, but with a convergent tinge

they reached for him, twisting and writhing and slipping

they hit him with their hands

they did this many times, more than I could count

I could no longer see his face, he was covered by the men, women, and children between us

I saw only his open hands, touching the sky, with marks that gleamed a milk white

There are some things that are better left without explanation.  Sometimes a person's just got to accept things.  Once a story's told, there's nothing left to build.

An Earnest Attempt at "Existential" Living

Life is a series of choices.  In each moment we are presented with infinite potential actions; yet, commonly, we act as if these choices are predetermined.  Our inescapable fallibility combined with our human wants--which often are believed to be necessity--leave us to a path that is continuously self-confirmed.  The accumulation of experience becomes a necessary consequence to a rigidly lackluster essence.  

This type of mindset is malicious because it pulls the actor out of the present, into non-present temporal contexts, where one defaults to the path of least resistance.  Memory has the capacity to inhibit the actor, if the past feels fluid, burgeoning alternative outcome trees.  The past must be accepted as rigid, even if it is not completely understood.  The presence of ambiguity in one's past should become immaterial, because it is unchangeable, and unrewarding in fantasy.

The goal is to becomes an autonomous actor, acting spontaneously, grounded in self-identified virtue.  One defines the axioms by which they will live, and attempts to rigidly follow.  One becomes able to shift the rigidity to the present, and the fluidity in the present.  Rewards in memory are simply potential future rewards.  A photograph captures the past, but yields a potential reward only in future sensory consumption.  Reminders of the so-called "best days of our lives"--the college years--will be valuable only in evidence suggesting that "heights" are possible.  More prominently, they will be reminders of the relative diminishment of the present.

So, for a worthy life, one must rely heavily on self-identified virtue, constructed axiomatically.  This is goal-building.  One must make a moral determination on how the environment should be acted on to maintain autonomy.  One can engage in a certain type of behavior in physical, social, and intellectual endeavors that is consistent with the axioms.  One must only self-justify, although collective-justification will inevitably factor into self-justification.

I abruptly end this--

A Gallery: The First

My search to provide value through this blog has been stagnant. The 'blog structure' is something I must reject if I'm to truly utilize this -place-.  

I will showcase the valuable moments I've had through imagery.

Masculin Féminin  1966

What is Youth? This is youth.

My second viewing was filled with pure awe.  

Imagine finding yourself in a place that was the setting of your essential being.  

The Force Awakens  2015

The achievement is sensation. J.J Abrams has constructed the best 'pure' action film of the year. Forget the rest of the series; if you've been remotely aware of pop culture, you know enough about this universe.  

First film I saw twice in theatres.  

Le Petit Soldat  1963

The Godard aesthetic itself is enough. The plot, the visual artistry of individual shots can fall away; there's still enough. The lives of the characters matter, not because of some moral directive, but because of the meaning they create themselves.

"Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" 

Watching it again was seeing it for the first time. Sexism is entrenched in the culture, inhibiting true expression of identity in both sexes. This shows the viewer a distinctly American place.

Art Angels

My musical taste is largely undefined, but it tends to angle toward two genres: vocally-female Pop and 'inventive' Rap (My other favorite album of last year was To Pimp a Butterfly). This is a distinct iteration of the female-pop sound; Grimes' guttural, babyish vocals are matched with sporadic descents into sonic chaos. The inexactitude, the human volatility in the sound gives it the feel of genuine art.  

Anti

This is the best cover art I've seen. The first three tracks are sublime. Do yourself a favor; endure.

The Enslavement of Culture

So, so often I challenge my understanding of the nature of my experience with others--other people.  Each wave of security is matched by a wave of paranoia.  How am I to discern each relationship's true nature when each side is using the other?  Independence is what I aim for.  I want to instill within myself a process of self-affirmation.  I achieve this through